On the Path to Righteousness
by alephitina
Summary: A parody that vaguely resembles the infamous 'Three Little Pigs' tale. Features in order of appearance: A dying rhododendron, a strange delivery boy and a rehabilitated Muraki.


Title: On the Path to Righteousness

Fandom: Yami no Matsuei

Pairing: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Watari, implied Muraki/Tsuzuki

Format: Screen Play

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 1,930

Warnings: Crack. Parody. Lots of silliness. Some sexual innuendo.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: A parody that vaguely resembles the infamous 'Three Little Pigs' tale. Features in order of appearance: A dying rhododendron, a strange delivery boy and a rehabilitated Muraki.

A/N: I apologise for abusing the original fairytale and for the incredible amount of crack here. It honestly didn't start out being this crack-y, but then I really lost it somewhere along the way. In short – I fail at life. Also my thanks go out to Tsuki who is a lightning fast beta and just plain awesome!

---

**Characters**

Tsuzuki – First Little Pig

Hisoka – Second Little Pig

Tatsumi – Third Little Pig

Muraki – The Big Bad Wolf

Watari – Tatsumi's cohabitant, who was not featured in the original fairy tale due to its rating

---

Narrator (a deep male baritone): Once upon a time in the far away land of Meifu there lived three Shinigami – Tsuzuki, Hisoka and Tatsumi. But those were dark times and an evil doctor roamed the land – Muraki was his name. He terrorised all the Shinigami, but he was particularly partial towards Tsuzuki. It might have been Tsuzuki's wondrous purple eyes that drew Muraki in or maybe it was his unique DNA. Although I think we all know that Muraki only wants Tsuzuki for his body, to satisfy his carnal needs. He wants to lick him and bite his…

Author (outraged): HEY! What the hell?! That's not in the script. Stick to the bloody script!

Narrator (the baritone doesn't sound so deep anymore, it's actually rather squeaky and whiny now): Oh, shut up. I can't believe you talked me into doing this! I am so not getting paid enough for this. I'm not running a charitable organisation here, you know.

Author (facepalm): Just get on with it, would you?

Narrator: Right, but you owe me for this. (The deep baritone is back).

And so each of the Shinigami built a house to protect themselves from the wicked Muraki. Tsuzuki built a house made of straw, Hisoka built a house made of wood and Tatsumi - being the smartest on of the three - built a house made of bricks. Oh, and wasn't it unfortunate that it was Tsuzuki who decided to use straw as a building material? For straw is hardly the ideal foundation for a house and so easy to blow away too. But then again who are we kidding? Tsuzuki isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer is he?

Author (makes strangled coughing noises).

Narrator: Yeah, yeah. I know – the show must go on and all that rubbish.

So this is where our story begins –

---

(Cut to Hisoka's house. Tsuzuki falls in through a window left rather carelessly open.)

Hisoka (shocked): Tsuzuki, what happened?

Tsuzuki (gets up, dusts himself off): Oh, you know, the usual. Woke up, had cream cakes for breakfast, found Muraki lurking inside my house.

Hisoka: What?! How did he get in?

Tsuzuki: Well, he huffed and he puffed… and maybe offered me sexual favours and I just opened the door for him.

Hisoka (shakes his head sadly): Idiot. But what do you propose we do now?

Tsuzuki: Since I'm already here we could work on our current case.

Hisoka: We don't have a case right now, remember?

Tsuzuki: Right. Well, then how about you just point me in the direction of your bedroom and we'll take it from there?

Hisoka: Tsuzuki, I don't…

(This exchange is interrupted by a loud pounding on the door.)

Voice Behind the Door: Tsuuuzuuuukiiiiii-saaaan! I know you are in there. Open u-u-up!

Tsuzuki (horrified): That sounds like Muraki. We better get out of here before he corners us inside.

Hisoka (sounding calm and reasonable): Don't panic. My house is made of wood and is much sturdier than yours. He can't get inside.

Tsuzuki (sits down on the carpet cross-legged, puts his hands palms up on his knees and takes deep breaths): Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. I am perfectly calm. I am at peace with myself and my surroundings…

Muraki: If you won't come out to play, then I'm coming inside, Tsuzuki-san. Ready or not.

(There is a lot of huffing and puffing going on outside followed by a mighty gust of wind. The house shakes in its ground.)

Hisoka (remains perfectly still for a second then flails his hands madly around): Ahhhh! The house is coming down. Run for your life!

(Tsuzuki grabs Hisoka's hand and they rush out of the back door.)

---

(Cut to Tatsumi's house. Tsuzuki knocks loudly on the door. After about five minutes of being abused, the door opens with an ominous creak and Watari appears, wearing a rather dirty looking lab coat and no pants. Watari has to squint at our heroes as his glasses are very much absent.)

Watari: Tsuzuki, is that you? Hisoka? What's going on?

Tsuzuki (all business like): Muraki.

(Tsuzuki shoulders his way inside the house past Watari. Hisoka is right behind him. Watari shakes his head, but closes and locks the door and follows them in. Tsuzuki circles the room twice, stopping to look under the dining table and behind a potted rhododendron which has seen its better days. He finally plops down on the couch.)

Watari (watches Tsuzuki's maneuvers worriedly): What did happen, Tsuzuki?

Tsuzuki: Muraki is after us. He'll be here any second!

Watari (goes into Panic Mode): We must protect the strong-hold! Let's barricade the front door!

(Immediately Tsuzuki hops off the couch and together with Watari, they move first the dining table, then the couch to the door. The finishing touch is the rhododendron, which Tsuzuki places lovingly on top of the table in front of the door. The two of them survey their handiwork with a proud look and happily drop onto the couch. Hisoka stares at them as if they were some bacterial forms of life, but joins them on the couch anyway.)

(The Shinigami are interrupted from their well earned rest by a knock on the door. All three jump up and exchange nervous glances.)

Watari (cautiously): Who is it?

The Voice Behind the Door (unrecognisable, but distinctly male): A delivery for Tsuzuki-san. His favourite apple pie.

(For a moment nothing happen as everyone digests the new information. Then Tsuzuki springs into action and attempts to move the couch away from the door with both Shinigami still on it.)

Watari (watches Tsuzuki's fruitless efforts with interest): Tsuzuki, exactly what are you doing?

Tsuzuki (looks very offended indeed): What do you mean '_What am I doing'_? It's pie. **Apple pie**!

Hisoka: An idiot will always remain one.

(Tsuzuki is ignoring everything and everyone and redoubles his efforts to move the couch. The Voice Behind the Door grows impatient.)

The Voice Behind the Door: Well? What's the verdict? Do you want the pie or not? It's getting cold and I've still got three deliveries to make!

Hisoka (calmly assesses the situation): We can't let him in. It could be a trap. Sorry, Tsuzuki, but we just can't!

(Tsuzuki lets go of the couch, slumps to the floor and starts sobbing wretchedly. In all this commotion Tatsumi enters the room. He is covered in something white and suspicious looking (let's just hope that it's baking flour), and he seems to be wearing an apron with a smiling pig on it and not much else.)

Tatsumi: What is going on here?! Why is all the furniture piled up there? Watari, did you decide to renovate my house without asking me again? Every single time he goes on and on about how my house looks like a bachelor's hovel! It's some sort of an elaborate hint, isn't it?

Tsuzuki (studies Tatsumi with a frowns on his face): Watari? What were you two doing before we got here?...

Tatsumi: Err… Oh, we were just baking a cake. That's all. (He shoves a spatula into Tsuzuki's face for emphasis and quick as lightning disappears in the general direction of the kitchen. All we get to see is a brief flash of his delectable rear.)

Tsuzuki (forgets about everything else at the mention of the cake and babbles excitedly): Cake! Really?! That's so great!

Hisoka (shakes his head with obvious regret): What an idiot.

Watari (blushes rather profusely): Umm… Yes, cake. Right. Of course we were just baking a cake. What did you think we were doing?

Hisoka: Let's not go there. We have more pressing matters at hand, anyway.

Muraki (from behind the door): Did someone say cake? Because I've got whipped cream here.

Watari: Whipped cream! That's precisely what we were missing before, when we were… (He falls into an awkward silence).

Tsuzuki (supplies helpfully): Baking!

Watari: Right. That.

Hisoka (apprehensively): Muraki? What happened to the delivery boy?

Muraki (happily): I screwed him! Err… That is to say, screw him! Who cares about some stupid delivery boy when you have the cake and I have the whipped cream. And won't it be grand to bring these two together? (It's clear from the tone of his voice that he's smiling that manic smile of his.)

Hisoka (smirks evilly): Hey, Watari? I've been meaning to ask you, do you always bake together with Tatsumi in the nude?

Muraki (perks up): Did someone say nude? Because…

(Muraki is cut off by Tsuzuki, who appears much traumatised by what he just heard.)

Tsuzuki (in a small, pained voice): Watari? You and Tatsumi… Does that mean that the two of you… Are like _that_?

Watari: Well, that would depend on what you classify under 'that'.

Hisoka: You might as well tell him, Watari.

Muraki (cheers on): Yes, tell him, tell him! And also can someone please open this door. It's getting kind of cold out here. And I just need to talk to you.

Hisoka: Talk? So all you were trying to do was talk to us? You were not trying to molest or kill us or anything?

Muraki (highly offended): My goodness, no! Why would you think _that_? (This question is met with a pregnant silence.) Fine, maybe you did have a reason before, but I've changed now. I'm a completely new person.

Tsuzuki (worriedly): Completely new person. Does that mean he did a full body transplant on himself?

Muraki: No, no, no transplants. I've stepped onto the path of righteousness. I've joined a support group –Psychopaths Anonymous, and they have a program where I have to go through these twelve steps, and the second step is asking for forgiveness from everyone I wronged in any way. (Muraki's voice goes thoughtful). Admittedly almost everyone that I've wronged is dead now, so I just had to make do.

Watari (smirks): Well, we all know where the road paved with good intentions leads…

Tsuzuki (on the verge of tears): Shush, Watari. I think he's being honest. I can feel his pain. He's realised what a monster he was before and he doesn't want to hurt anyone any longer…

Hisoka (sceptical): Aren't you projecting just a little bit, Tsuzuki?

Tsuzuki (very determined): No. We have to let him in! Either you guys get up and help me move the furniture or I will call upon one of my trusted Shikigami and…

Hisoka: We get the picture. Let's move it, boys.

---

(Half an hour later Tatsumi walks into the room to find everyone huddled close together on the couch, sobbing gently. Tsuzuki is sitting in Muraki's lap with Hisoka's head resting on his knees and his feet are lying in Watari's lap, who in turn has his hand wrapped around Muraki's shoulders. Basically it's a very confusing mass of arms and legs and it just looks like one big orgy. Only with more clothes involved. Tatsumi frowns.)

Tsuzuki (jumps up): Group hug, everyone!

(Everyone gets up as well and they form a circle. They then proceed to put their hands around each other's shoulders and sway to some tune of their own. Tatsumi's frown deepens.)

Watari (pumps his fist into the air): Shinigami power!

(Tsuzuki, Hisoka and Muraki also pump their fists into the air.)

Muraki: Wait a minute, I'm not a Shinigami…

Tsuzuki, Hisoka and Watari (in unison): Muraki power!

Tatsumi (slowly turns back around and goes back to the kitchen mumbling to himself): I better put on a pot of strong tea. It looks like it's going to be a long night…

The End.

---

A/N 2: Yes, the whole concept of 'Shinigami Power' was influenced by Nobuta wo Produce. Of course I couldn't come up with a gesture as awesome as Akira did, but meh. :)

And… Umm... If you squint really hard there are actually two Nobuta references here... I couldn't help myself. :)


End file.
